Saturday, December 31, 2011

Predictions for 2012

It's hard to know what's going to happen even three months from now, but I'm going to stick my head up and make some predictions about what will happen over the next year. Let's see what I get right!


The little known "Year 2012" problem causes problems with the Pontiac Aztec's onboard computer. There is much celebration as every Pontiac Aztec in the country blows up simultaneously.

Romney continues to lead in the Republican nomination fight, with a gay sex scandal causing upcoming rival Rick Santorum to drop out. Ron Paul continues in second place, though nobody thinks he will win anyway so who cares?


Apple releases the iPhone 5. Considered "snappier" than the previous iPhone, it comes with the ability to make phone calls, surprising pundits who were unaware of this lack of standard functionality present in all featurephones before now, a surprise that followed voice dialing, multimedia messages, tethering, and the ability to install apps. Reportedly the iPhone 6 will include the ability to send text messages, and the iPhone 7 will be able to take pictures.

Romney continues to lead in the Republican nomination fight, despite the Republicans  rallying around Joe the Plumber, who subsequently drops out after photos emerge of an "accident" involving a small pipe and something slightly too large stuck inside of it.


Nobel Peace Prize Winner Barack Obama declares war on Brazil after it is reported that Brazil is made up of foreigners, some of whom are Muslim, and after John Bolton claims that the country is attempting to acquire Nuclear weapons.

Liberals are divided between those sure that Obama has good reasons to be starting another war and who wouldn't do it if it wasn't the right thing to do, and those concerned Obama might be in the pockets of big coffee.

A surprise surge by serial killer Charles Manson threatens to knock Romney off his front runner status in the Republican nomination, until Manson's views on State's Rights ensure his rapid downfall.


With the war in Brazil causing coffee prices to be at all time highs, Nobel Peace Prize Winner Barack Obama invades Colombia. Liberals are divided amongst those who argue we should trust Obama's judgement on such matters and not question him, for fear of having some Republican war monger win the next election, and those who call for more tea drinking in order to wean America off of its addiction to coffee.

The Simpson's Montgomery Burns temporarily challenges Romney's lead in the race to the Republican nomination, but most Republicans unhappy with the contest reluctantly withdraw their support after hearing that Burns is a cartoon character and not real. This is despite last minute from Glenn Beck who claims that rumors Burns is "not real" are liberal media lies, and that he has "hundreds of hours" of video evidence, including a major feature film, showing Burns in person.


Nobel Peace Prize Winner Barack Obama announces the war in Brazil is over after President Rousseff is captured and waterboarded for several weeks. Obama announces a "complete" withdrawl of troops that will leave only a "skeleton force" of ten million soldiers in the country. Liberals are divided between those who praise Obama and feel vindicated, and those who roll their eyes and shake their heads in frustration.

Republicans coalesce around surging candidate Dennis Miller, until they realize they don't think he's funny either.


The new Facebook Phone is announced, which differentiates itself from other phones by transcribing everything the owner says, regardless of whether the caller is on a call, and posting it to the Internet.

Republicans express relief after little known Presidential candidate Margaret Thatcher leads Romney by two points, despite the fact that she's not a natural born citizen (or a citizen at all.) After being accused of hypocrisy given the Republican's "birther" movement, Republicans argue that they're not hypocrites, you're a hypocrite. Touche.


The iPad 3 is finally released. At 20", it's the largest tablet ever released, can only run three apps, and weighs over a ton. It sells one billion units in the first week. Other tablet makers, who have tried to focus on, you know, usefulness, give up.

Nobel Peace Prize Winner Barack Obama announces a new war with France, with rave responses from Dick Cheney and many liberals. Meanwhile, the Republican nomination race intensifies with "Barry O'Bama" temporarily leading Mitt Romney, with over 90% of the vote, until it's discovered that Barry is, in fact, Barack Obama, wearing sun glasses and a hat.


Texas and Alaska both secede from the union. To the surprise of both, the rest of the nation reacts in celebration, until Nobel Peace Prize Winner Barack Obama invades both, pointing out both states have oil. Liberals are strongly divided like never before, with a small minority feeling that we must trust Obama's judgement, and the rest utterly bewildered.

Mysterious candidate "Ron Mitmey" challenges Mitt Romney for the Republican nomination, but even Republicans can tell it's Mitt Romney pretending to be not Mitt Romney.


With time running out, Republicans race to find a Presidential candidate they all like. Discovering the constitution makes no mention of Presidential candidates needing to be living, top Republican scientists attempt to re-animate the corpse of Ronald Reagan, who immediately starts campaigning on deficits not mattering, banning black people from owning guns, and on how Hollywood Celebrities make the best Presidents.


Realizing his support has plummeted, Obama immediately runs a campaign against himself, saying "Vote for me, Barack Obama, and not that guy who's currently President - isn't it George W. Bush? I think it is. Yeah, he's the President." Meanwhile, the re-animated corpse of Ronald Reagan beats Mitt Romney for the Republican nomination.


In a surprise upset, Paul Krugman is elected President. Virtually every incumbent in Congress is defeated, even Joe Lieberman who wasn't even supposed to be up for election. Realizing it's the end, the entire government is transfered over to the newly elected two months early, and by the end of the month, a strong stimulus, the worldwide withdrawal of troops, and the legalization of drugs has resulted in peace and prosperity across the world.


Unfortunately the world ends.

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