IT IS THE YEAR 2000

The Earth is ruled by FOUR GIANT CORPORATIONS!  The largest, VT&T keeps its people distracted by DEATH MATCHES between CONDEMNED PRISONERS. The CITIES of LOS ANGELAS and SAN FRANCISCO have been turned into a GIANT MEGA PRISON. Meanwhile, people are falling ill DUE TO  A MYSTERIOUS VIRUS and TURNING INTO ZOMBIES! Doctor Ann Ordinary must TRANSPORT a mysterious BABY to the YOOGLE CORPORATION OFFICES in New Seatle. Can this BABY be the KEY TO MANKIND'S SURVIVAL? And does YOOGLE have a SECRET AGENDA?!

(The other two corporations are Microflacid and Ben and Jerry's. No, I don't know how Ben and Jerry's got to be a megacorporation ruling the world either. I mean, they make nice ice cream, but I personally always thought it was a little... well, overrated. I mean, I like their politics, and I'm glad they're successful, it's just, well, not for me. Anyway, they're a megacorporation by the year 2000.)

Desperate and unusual measures

Rupert was not surprised to get the call. You didn't have to have fifty years as a Senior White House Correspondent to know that the government would be making an announcement the day before the debt limit crisis hit. The only question was what were they going to say? Did the two sides ultimately come to an agreement, or was Obama planning to use the fourteenth amendment as many had advocated. Rupert grabbed his coat, and hurried to the Metro station, and then, onwards to the White House.

There was a hush as The President, Senator Reid, Treasury secretary Timothy Geithner and Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke entered the room. The President stepped to the podium, looking grim.

"Good morning", said the President. "I'm going to make a brief statement concerning the negotiations over the debt limit."

The President looked around him, and bowed his head, reading the paper in front of him.

"Quite honestly, we're fucked."

There were gasps of horror across the room. Timothy Geithner stepped forward, and motioned at the President to move away.

"What the President means is... we're totally screwed. The entire economy is going to collapse at midnight tonight."

Bernanke nodded his head and stepped forward. "We're talking pretty much about an monetary apocalypse here. The US government is going to completely default on everything. I mean, I'll try to help, of course, but, well, I'm pretty much out of ideas. We have a liquidity trap, and, well, I can't do much now, pretty much by definition."

Rupert's shock did not prevent him from noticing what appeared to be a glimmer of a smirk from Bernanke. Why? What about this terrible announcement could Bernanke see as remotely funny?

...

Rupert fired off a report on his Blackberry, and then went home. He switched on the TV, and watched gloomily as the chaos began. The markets, which had been surprisingly high that morning, completely collapsed. The Dow was down 60%. The S&P 75%. Rupert expected the markets to close at any moment to contain the mayhem, but they stayed open, with stock after stock sliding into worthlessness. And, just after lunch, the markets stopped falling, there was a sudden spike, but everything was still down.

Rupert's Blackberry buzzed again. Another conference at the White House. Well, that was to be expected. Depressed, Rupert half intended to watch it on TV, but he grudgingly got up and went back to see what the President had to say.

Another hush as the The President, Senator Reid, Treasury secretary Timothy Geithner and Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke entered the room. This time the four were smiling. Had they found a way to prevent the crisis? Perhaps an agreement had been reached as the various sides saw the consequences of their actions?

The President stepped to the podium.

"Good afternoon", the President said. "I have a brief statement. Desperate times call for desperate, and unusual, measures. So this morning, before this morning's Press Conference, I instructed Timothy Geithner to invest what remained of our liquid funds into shorting the S&P. I'm pleased to announce that we now have all the money we need to completely pay off the deficit!"

Reid approached the podium, and, looking up, grinning, exclaimed: "Suck on that, Boner!"

"Bay-ner", said Obama, but Reid shook his head. "I'm sticking with "Boner"!" said Reid.

The four laughed, and left the room.

How it happened

"It's been seven years!" the President said, throwing his hands in the air in exasperation. "Seven years! And what do we have to show for it? That man, that evil, evil, man is still out there somewhere, and nothing we've done has brought him any closer to justice."

Sam Bucket, the President's top, secret, national security expert nodded his head. "I understand your concern Mr President, but we've tried everything and..."

"I'm aware of that, and some of those ideas were pretty good, but we need to go in a different direction! Do you have anything else?"

Sam sighed. "Only... well, the only one I've heard is, frankly, ridiculous but..."

"I'll hear ridiculous. It's got to work better than the so-called "serious" plans we've tried so far."

Sam went to the door, and popped his head into the corner.

"Mr Lester, can you come in please?"

An older man, wearing a shirt and tie with shorts and long socks, stepped in.

"This is Mr Herbert Lester, Mr President."

"Mr Lester, I've been told you have a plan to help us capture Osama Bin Laden", said the President.

"Why yes", said Herbert. "I most certainly do. I most certainly do. It's really very simple."

The President nodded. Sam sat, his elbows on the table, and let his head rest in his hands. "Oh brother", he thought, "Here it comes."

"I have developed a theory based upon the concept of a universal conscience. Using the interconnected nature of human beings on a higher plane, we can discover many facts by relating opposites. Such as, if I want to discover, say, a new form of energy, all I need to do is apply my concept to a lazy person sleeping in a recliner."

"And what is your concept?" said the President.

"Well", said Herbert, "I find groping yields the most amount of information."

Sam coughed. "OK, well, uh, thanks for your time Mr Lester, if you could just follow me" said Sam, but the President waved him down.

"Do go on Herbert", said the President, "May I call you Herbert?"

"Absolutely, Mr President Sir." said Herbert. "Now, you need to discover the whereabouts of a specific individual? Correct?"

The President nodded.

"Well, to find where a person is at rest, is at a fixed location they call home, we merely need to apply my method to a large group of people who are in motion. Say, passengers at airports."

The President glanced excitedly at Sam, "This stuff is Gold, Sam! Gold! Why didn't you tell me before?!"

"Mr President, can we have a... private word?" said Sam, but the President rebuffed him. "Not now Sam, Herbert - please continue, what do you suggest?"

"It's quite simple", said Herbert. "Just train a group of agents to grope random people at airports. You must be fair and without favor, grope everyone from the most guilty adults to the most innocent children. Mmmm. Children."

"Mr Lester!" said Sam, but the President waved him down.

"But how do we do this? Surely people will protest if they're grabbed by complete strangers and groped at random."

"Quite so", said Herbert, "I usually find being in a position of authority. A teacher perhaps..."

"Or a TSA Agent" exclaimed the President.

"Yes", sighed Herbert, "I guess that would work."

"Sam, put this plan into motion immediately." said the President, shaking with excitement.

"But sir!"

"Do it! Take Mr Lester, and have him train our elite TSA Agents in groping techniques. I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel Sam, I really am, we'll have Bin Laden in our sights in next to no time, I just know it!"

And that's how they found Osama Bin Laden.