Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The Death of Osama bin Laden, an apology

In common with a number of newspapers, we may have mislead our readers on Monday over the death of Osama Bin Laden. Headlines like "Whoopie!" and "USA! USA! WOORRGGH!!! AWWLRIGHT!!!" may have lead readers to believe that we were 100% sure of our facts before we published them. We apologize and would like to issue the following corrections:

  1. Mr Bin Laden did not have machine guns in both hands when he was shot.
  2. Nor was Mr Bin Laden sitting on the toilet at the time.
  3. Mr Bin Laden did not yell "You'll never take me alive, see? Yeah, yeah!"
  4. Mr Bin Laden did not attempt to protect himself by making himself a bulletproof vest out of babies.
  5. Mr Obama did not say "Yippy-ky-yay motherf-r" just before ordering Mr Bin Laden's death.
  6. Mark Twain was not in the war room during the firefight. Nor was Martin Luther King.
  7. Chloe from "24" was not in the war room during the firefight, and never "downloaded" the "schematics" to Mr Bauer's PDA, whatever that means.
  8. Jack Bauer was not involved in the firefight. Contrary to our report, Mr Bauer was not shot during the firefight, and did not have to escape Al Qaeda goons by stabbing them in the eyes with a pencil. Mr Bauer is, in fact, a fictional character.
  9. As is Jason Bourne.
  10. John McCain was not involved in the firefight either. In fact, the report of his presence was caused by a typo when a breathless editor mistyped "McClain"
  11. John McClain was not involved in the firefight. Like Jason Bourne, Jack Bauer, and Chloe, Mr McClain is, in fact, a fictional character.
  12. Mr Bin Laden's body does not, as reported, have a titanium-alloy frame covered with human tissue.
  13. Mr Bin Laden's home was not surrounded by a moat filled with sharks. Given sharks are a saltwater species, our factcheckers should have picked up on the impossibility of such a security measure.
  14. Mr Bin Laden was not shot by a baby. The baby did not then yell "And don't let me catch you in Quohog" before defenestrating himself.
  15. Mr Bin Laden did not attempt to flee the house in a 1971 Dodge Charger.
  16. The SEAL team that found Mr Bin Laden did not also find a map of the United States covered in pushpins with dates attached to each one. Nor did they destroy a computer that was displaying a countdown.
  17. Exactly how Bin Laden was found has been only partially reported. Our story that a shoe-shine boy outside of Langley provided the information in exchange for a dollar bill appears to have been inaccurate.
  18. It is also entirely untrue that Nicolas Cage found Mr Bin Laden after he attempted to steal the Declaration of Independence.
  19. It is not true that Donald Trump, upon hearing the news, pounded the desk and yelled "Damn it, foiled again! Implement Plan B!"
  20. There was no ceremony afterwards, and the Queen of England's ability to bestow knighthoods is limited to British subjects - she would not have been able to give Mr Obama such an honor, especially not within a few hours of the events that lead to such an award. It is also unlikely the Queen would call Mr Obama "One awesome dude".

We hope this clears up any confusion our initial reports may have caused.

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