Tuesday, May 3, 2011

How it happened

"It's been seven years!" the President said, throwing his hands in the air in exasperation. "Seven years! And what do we have to show for it? That man, that evil, evil, man is still out there somewhere, and nothing we've done has brought him any closer to justice."

Sam Bucket, the President's top, secret, national security expert nodded his head. "I understand your concern Mr President, but we've tried everything and..."

"I'm aware of that, and some of those ideas were pretty good, but we need to go in a different direction! Do you have anything else?"

Sam sighed. "Only... well, the only one I've heard is, frankly, ridiculous but..."

"I'll hear ridiculous. It's got to work better than the so-called "serious" plans we've tried so far."

Sam went to the door, and popped his head into the corner.

"Mr Lester, can you come in please?"

An older man, wearing a shirt and tie with shorts and long socks, stepped in.

"This is Mr Herbert Lester, Mr President."

"Mr Lester, I've been told you have a plan to help us capture Osama Bin Laden", said the President.

"Why yes", said Herbert. "I most certainly do. I most certainly do. It's really very simple."

The President nodded. Sam sat, his elbows on the table, and let his head rest in his hands. "Oh brother", he thought, "Here it comes."

"I have developed a theory based upon the concept of a universal conscience. Using the interconnected nature of human beings on a higher plane, we can discover many facts by relating opposites. Such as, if I want to discover, say, a new form of energy, all I need to do is apply my concept to a lazy person sleeping in a recliner."

"And what is your concept?" said the President.

"Well", said Herbert, "I find groping yields the most amount of information."

Sam coughed. "OK, well, uh, thanks for your time Mr Lester, if you could just follow me" said Sam, but the President waved him down.

"Do go on Herbert", said the President, "May I call you Herbert?"

"Absolutely, Mr President Sir." said Herbert. "Now, you need to discover the whereabouts of a specific individual? Correct?"

The President nodded.

"Well, to find where a person is at rest, is at a fixed location they call home, we merely need to apply my method to a large group of people who are in motion. Say, passengers at airports."

The President glanced excitedly at Sam, "This stuff is Gold, Sam! Gold! Why didn't you tell me before?!"

"Mr President, can we have a... private word?" said Sam, but the President rebuffed him. "Not now Sam, Herbert - please continue, what do you suggest?"

"It's quite simple", said Herbert. "Just train a group of agents to grope random people at airports. You must be fair and without favor, grope everyone from the most guilty adults to the most innocent children. Mmmm. Children."

"Mr Lester!" said Sam, but the President waved him down.

"But how do we do this? Surely people will protest if they're grabbed by complete strangers and groped at random."

"Quite so", said Herbert, "I usually find being in a position of authority. A teacher perhaps..."

"Or a TSA Agent" exclaimed the President.

"Yes", sighed Herbert, "I guess that would work."

"Sam, put this plan into motion immediately." said the President, shaking with excitement.

"But sir!"

"Do it! Take Mr Lester, and have him train our elite TSA Agents in groping techniques. I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel Sam, I really am, we'll have Bin Laden in our sights in next to no time, I just know it!"

And that's how they found Osama Bin Laden.

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