Tuesday, July 26, 2011

How it'll go down

(The Whitehouse lawn, 1st August 2011. The President walks out with John Boehner, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and Mitch McConnell, to a packed Press conference.)

The President: Good afternoon. I'm very pleased to announce that after many months of negotiations, we have finally hammered out a compromise and will be able to raise the debt ceiling. Mr Boehner?

Boehner (smirking): Oh yes, I'm very pleased that despite the usual partisan politics from the Democrats, they've agreed to accept our proposed compromise. In return for raising the debt ceiling until September, we are announcing an end to social security, with the remaining funds being given to anyone earning over 250,000 dollars a year. To help with, uh, job creation. Yes. And now, I believe my colleague Mrs Pelosi, would like to say something.

Pelosi steps up to the podium looking somewhat sheepish.

Boehner: Say it! You agreed, remember?

The President: Oh don't make a fuss Nancy, just say it. We agreed.

Pelosi (sighs) Uh, ladies and gentlemen of the press. Uh (looks at Boehner) I am a poopypants. I poop my pants. Also I am a man. And I'm ugly and smell. Also I am a loser.

Boehner: Thank you Mrs Former Speaker. Now, Mr President.

The President: (apparently completely unfazed) Of course, Mr Speaker, ladies, gentlemen, of the press. My fellow Americans.  I, and my fellow Democrats, are stupid. And I am a socialist. And I want to take your guns. And I poop my pants. Poopy poopy, poopy, poopy.

Boehner: Thank you Mr President.

The President: Can I say one more thing?

Boehner: That depends on what it is.

(The two confer. Boehner nods his head and President Obama returns to the podium.)

The President: Mr Boehner is the greatest man who ever lived and it will be a privilege to welcome him to the Presidency in 2013. The only reason Joe and I don't resign right now is because the two term limit would deprive us of two years of President Boehner.

(Even Boehner looks surprised.)

Boehner: Thank you Mr President. Are there any questions? Yes, the bimbo from Fox News.

Bimbo: Thank you President Boehner. Do you feel that the compromise you have negotiated with the Democrats makes too many concessions to their far left agenda?

Boehner: Mr President, perhaps you can answer that.

Mr President: We are quite happy to renegotiate the agreement should Mr Boehner find any problems with it whatsoever.

Boehner: Thank you Mr President, and thank you all for coming.

Mr President: Our pleasure Mr Speaker!

The President walks back to the White House, smiling. "A good day", he thinks to himself, "Everything went exactly as I hoped. Exactly as I hoped."

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